It was snowing this morning. Our first "real" snow of the season where it decided to stick and accumulate in the grass. I had a 1:30 appointment for a CAT scan, so due to the snow I decided to leave early and give myself plenty of time to get there safely and register.
The waiting room itself was just a little hovel of a space carved out of a wall in the hallway. The furniture looked as though it had come from the 80's, maybe even off of a set from the Golden Girls. Plastic faded mauve pink tables and metal chairs some covered in a diluted purple pattern and others in aqua green color. Two tables and 7 chairs in all.
A man sat in the corner to my left. He sat there sipping his contrast while I tried to get 3G on my phone. As we sat another man joined us on the right of me. He had a stack of papers in his hand, I assumed they were forms to fill out. He was only there for about 1 minute when he was called back for whatever procedure he was getting.
This hallway waiting room was not going to give me internet satisfaction, so I put my phone away in my purse.
An older man and woman came and joined us next. I had assumed they were a couple but he was actually her Father. She carried her two bottles of contrast in with her. They were very friendly. We joked about how I felt left out since I did not get any lovely bottles of liquid contrast of my own.
As we sat the Father told us it was his "baby girl" that he was here with and that he was totally healthy. He had no aches and pains, lumps or bumps, not a thing wrong. She put up her fists and told him that if he didn't knock it off he was going to have some pain in his head.
He asked her if she had told her boys about whatever it was that she was getting a CAT scan for. You could tell he was concerned about his baby. She told him that only he knew, she didn't want to worry anyone until she knew what it was she was dealing with and if there was even a reason to be concerned.
He joked again about being perfectly healthy for being such an old fart. I told him I would gladly trade with him. But behind his jokes I knew he was wishing he could trade places with her.
It was time for the man in the corner to go get his scan. The other two wished him luck.
It hadn't really hit me that this process would be concerning. I myself have a lump on my neck of who knows what. I went to this appointment with excitement, because maybe now this thing, whatever it is, will have an answer; a reason behind it. It may even unlock the mystery of what has been plaguing my body off and on for the last three years.
I thought about what it would be like to be on the other side: Afraid of finding out the answers, afraid of what might come next.
I tend to be a person who thinks of all the possibilities and then prepares myself mentally for them. In this case I think I expect to hear it is just another anomaly, something that cannot be explained by medical testing. I have told myself that if it comes back with an answer, even the cancer kind of answer, that I will be okay with it, glad even, because it will be SOMETHING instead of nothing, again.
As I sat and laughed with and observed the people in the out dated chairs I started to wonder just how I would handle hearing that it was something. Really, actually, something...... To be honest, I am not sure.
I think it will be a lot like when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest only a month into my relationship with my husband. I cried because I was happy and I cried because I was scared.
I will be glad to have the results in the next 48 hours, because then I can move forward from there.
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